Unphishable
(‘To Freedom’, by Incé Husain)
Yesterday, I was phished by Beauceron. I thought my teammates were trying to reach me in Teams. We had a project due that week, so I was certain my teammates needed me. I miss my teammates, you know. I worry about my teammates. Those initials on my Teams screen — they are my people, my anchors, my connection to humanity.
But it was a phishing simulation.
I receive an email about it. I am told that during a recent phishing simulation, I clicked on a link. Had this been a real attack, it may have resulted in my device being compromised, organizational information being exposed, or theft of my log-in information. I may receive a request to take additional training to help me avoid future incidents. Sincerely, Beauceron Security.
The next day, I get an email from my prof. I have a midterm tomorrow.
I put it in the trash. It’s Beauceron.
Crowdmark invades my inbox. My assignments have been returned. Have they? I don’t think so.
I pour them into the trash. It’s Beauceron.
Another message: I got into my honours program. We are pleased to inform you...
Trash. I’m no child. It’s Beauceron.
Another message. It’s my supervisor. It’s about my project, the apex-of-my-life research project.
They’ve changed tactics, I see. Getting increasingly personal, I see. I have no doubt it’s Beauceron.
Trashed.
Another message appears.
Dear Incé, you have not submitted your Assignment 3. It was due last night...
They’ve elevated their complexity. They feed me a loop of seemingly related messages to simulate authenticity.
Trash.
Over the next week, emails flood me.
I’ve won a scholarship. I’ve won two scholarships.
My teammates are trying to reach me in Teams.
I’ve won a UNB parking ticket. I have a Crowdmark assignment waiting for me.
My teammates are trying to reach me in Teams.
My honours program is reconsidering my admission given my unresponsiveness. My supervisor is worried about me.
My teammates are trying to reach me in Teams.
Beauceron is obsessed with me. They’ve woven a virtual life around me, begging me to claim it.
They’re committed like an ex-lover. I’m flattered.
An email greets me the following week. It’s from admin.
There have been changes to UNB on-campus COVID regulations. All students are to stay home for the next two weeks, in a 14-day circuit breaker.
Beauceron knows no bounds. They integrate a global pandemic into the ploy to phish me.
Trash.
I am no fool.
Campus security sends me a message.
I was on campus yesterday and I shouldn’t have been; as I know, UNB is doing a 14-day circuit-breaker. This is a warning. One more warning and we will be required to take firm precautions...
Trash.
Beauceron, Beauceron. I’m unphishable, Beauceron.
When will you learn? How far will you go?
I stop checking my Gmail, my Tumblr, my Instagram. I am sure Beauceron has infiltrated it.
I destroy my accounts. I destroy my authenticator app.
I type my student portal password incorrectly so many times that I am efficiently locked out of my account.
I destroy my laptop.
I send all my assignments to my professor printed on paper, pure and undeniable.
I communicate with my teammates by fax machine, Internet-untainted, pure and undeniable.
If this bothers them, I will never know. I am unbound by virtual life-disrupting trickery.
I am part of the real world now.
I am rediscovering its joys. Simple sensations, like the dark taste of my saccharine coffee.
The ghostly white chuckle of a freshly cracked egg in my pan.
Brushing my teeth — the automated minty bristles saw-like against my gums.
The wind in my hair as I walk to campus.
The light in my eyes I’d never noticed, because all I did was stare at my fluorescent screen, my reflection coated with cursors and virtual words.
But mostly, I am free from Beauceron. The vicious humiliation of being phished, the thought of it, the memory, is vanquished.
As I go to my porch to smell my roses, I see the edges of letters pooled in my mailbox, its lid forced open by their abundance.
I take out the envelopes.
My blood freezes.
Beauceron Security — Course Reminder.
Beauceron Security — Course Reminder.
Beauceron Security — Course Reminder.
Beauceron Security — Course Reminder.
Beauceron Security — Course Reminder.
Beauceron Security — Course Reminder.
Beauceron Security — Course Reminder.
Trembling, I tear them open, unfurl the paper.
This can’t be.
I don’t use the Internet. I literally don’t use the Internet.
Incé,
You’ve been assigned one or more courses in UNB’s cybersecurity awareness program that are
still incomplete.
Complete your training now!
If you have any questions about UNB’s cybersecurity awareness initiative, please respond to this
message.
Sincerely,
Beauceron Security Inc.
Manic, I open the next letter.
Incé,
During a recent phishing simulation, you opened a letter sent to your mailbox. Had this been a real attack, it may have resulted in your lifestyle being compromised, organizational information being exposed, or the theft of your log-in information. You may receive a request to take additional training to help you avoid future incidents.
Sincerely,
Beauceron Security Inc.
My throat constricts. I collapse in sobs, a puddle on my silent porch.
They won’t stop. They just won’t stop.
The letters fall from my hands, UNB logos emblazoned on their corners. ♦